Tell someone “I’m divorced,” and they probably won’t blink an eye; indeed, they may be eager to share their own divorce saga. Tell someone “I don’t get along with my mother,” and chances are good they’ll roll their eyes empathetically.
But if you say, “I have no relationship with my brother or sister,” people don’t relate as easily. They get uncomfortable, arch their eyebrows, and probably wonder
What’s wrong with her?
Is this a good candidate for friendship?
If she can’t maintain a relationship with her own siblings, is she capable of sustaining any relationship?
The book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, the author interviewed a woman who said that people can’t believe the stories she tells them about her family. Nor do they accept her decision to opt out. “Some say I should make things work no matter what because it’s family,” she explained. “One person even told me that it must be my fault since they’ve all cut me off.”
Estrangement casts suspicion on everyone involved. Whether estrangement was a choice or the relationship simply faded away, estranged siblings are caught in a swirl of judgments and doubts. The sibling who ends contact—the shunner—may be haunted by the daunting question: How could I be so heartless as to cut off my own sibling? Meanwhile, the shunned may be plagued by the corresponding question: What’s so wrong with me that my sibling doesn’t want anything to do with me?
Both shunned and shunner find themselves on high alert to others’ perceptions of their possible failings. People often don’t offer their explicit thoughts about an estrangement, but an eye-roll, averted gaze, or awkward silence betrays their discomfort. Those nonverbal signals often give the estranged the feeling that they have something shameful to hide. Many of the estranged subjects in the book expressed frustration that a wide array of disturbing topics, from divorce to abuse, are openly discussed—yet sibling estrangement remains steeped in shame.
An important collaborative study by Stand Alone, a British organization that offers support services to estranged family members, and the University of Cambridge’s Centre for Family Research sheds light on the stigma of estrangement. Analysis of 807 members of the Stand Alone community who completed the study’s survey showed that 54 percent agreed with the statement that “estrangement or family breakdown is common in our family.” Among adults estranged from one or more family members, 68 percent believed that a stigma accompanies family estrangement. Many respondents cited the fear of judgment and assumptions of fault or blame as a frequent source of shame.
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